I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
