one two three fourrrrnication!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
