Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
