Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
