we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
