I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
