i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
