I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Sorry my hands just texted you
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
