and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
