I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
