Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
