So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
