guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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