Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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