4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
send nudes
from the living room?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
