she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
