sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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