Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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