if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
