Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
