my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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