There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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