thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
