I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
