She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
