It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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