I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
