i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The air taste purple.
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