I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
