yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
