They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
