Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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