sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
