last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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