I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize