if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my sisters under your porch take her home
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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