Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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