can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
