Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
