All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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