My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
