At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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