Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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