I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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