the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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