dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
