It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
