Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
