The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
