I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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