Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
