No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
