Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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