I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
