OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Randomize
