Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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