so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
