he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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