Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You need Xanax blowdarts
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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