Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
