If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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