Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
