; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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